ET Says: "Oh Canada! (July 30th, 2008)"

Inexperienced Pitching Staff? Check.

Team Leader Lost? Check.

Cy Young Winner traded? Check.

Best Young Pitcher traded? Check.

Bill Smith's first offseason as GM of the Minnesota Twins left fans with a feeling similar to a crowbar repeatedly striking a man's left testicle. Experts concluded that the Twins would be the worst team in the AL Central. The Detroit Tigers and Cleavland Indians looked to fight for 1st and 2nd place with dominating offensive attacks. The Minnesota Twins were not going to compete for a division title.

Three months later, that left testicle has healed up just fine.

Despite Smith's big offseason investments in Mike Lamb and Adam Everett being complete non factors, the Twins have had one hell of a season. Livan Hernandez, regardless of having an ERA higher than Willie Nelson, has eaten his innings to 10 wins, 8 of which are at home. Alexi Casilla, who was hitting near .200 in the minors, has given the Twins great defense at second base, as well as a .300 average. Former strikeout king Denard Span has stepped it up this year, and has taken over the lead-off role. Joe Nathan, nearly traded in the offseason, has had the best season of his career, recording his 29th save last night. Jason Morneau, the unknown Home Run Derby champ, is making Canada proud with his gaudy RBI numbers. Golden Boy Joe Mauer is still driving women wild with his fantastic sideburns.

Oh, and did I mention the 24, 25, 26, and 27 year old pitchers that all have winning records?

Maybe it's Livan's veteran presence.

Maybe it's Delmon Young's rigid running style.

Maybe it's the smell of Gomez's bat.

Or maybe, just maybe, the Twins have a good team.

Whatever it is, its working.

Experts? Fuck the experts. The Twins are rolling.

ET Says: "Brett's Fiasco (July 15th, 2008)"

-"911 Emergency Response, what is your emergency today?"

-"Yes, I have someone here who is suffering from chronic whining, second thoughts, and blaming others."

-"I'll send a Wambulance out right away."


In his long, media-friendly career, the Packers have put up with Favre's incompetence. Whether it was his constant indecisiveness on his retirement, or his ability to throw his teammates off of his shoulders, and under a bus, the Packers and their fans have stuck by "Good 'Ol Number Four." He played in Green Bay for sixteen seasons.

No, I'm not making this up. The great cheese state of Wisconsin had to stomach Favre for sixteen season. Sixteen seasons full of interceptions, press conferences, and excuses. He is the all-time leader in all three of those categories.

Just two short months ago, Favre shed tears of sadness on national television, for he had decided to retire from football.

Wisconsin shed tears too. Tears of joy.

It was a storybook ending. Favre's legacy in Green Bay was over. No bridges had been burnt. The Packers were allowed to move on with the future of their franchise, and spent two draft picks on Quarterbacks in this year's draft. Aaron Rogers had patiently waited four long years for his time to shine, and was given that chance. Everything was going swell.

Enter Brett Favre, stage left.

"I would like to play again." Brett says with that perfect Forest Gump impression that he does so well.

Ted Thompson says calmly, "Well Brett, we've already moved on. There isn't much we can do at this point.

Brett then starts to shrink, slowly but surely.

"But... you love me. I thought that meant something..."

"I'm sorry, the best interest of the organization right now is to stick with Aaron Rogers. He is our future."

Brett continues to grow smaller. His face loses that rugged, half-shaven beard, and his eyes are like that of a puppy.

"But I'm still better than Aaron! Please?

"No, that is the final decision. You retired, and we moved on.

Brett has now reverted to the state that we all know and love, his two year old body. Ted hands him his pacifier in fear of another temper tantrum, but it was too late.

"Well it's your fault I retired! And... and its your fault that you didn't give me everything I need! You guys suck! I want to go somewhere else!

"We would be happy to trade you if someone would be willing to do so, but it wouldn't be in the organization's best interest to just release you."

"I don't care about the organization!! I only care about me! What are you going to do for me??!!"

And there you have it folks. Brett Favre only cares about himself. He takes no responsibility for his own actions, nor does he care about the state of the franchise that has treated him like a god. He wants to tarnish everything, so he can "play like a kid" again for one more year.

"Play like a kid"... funny how his attitude reflects that as well.

I think I speak for everyone when I say:

Brett Favre, Shut Your Face.